I have asked the Scarborough News, and any other organisation privy to this information, to withhold my address from any inquirers. The reason? I have two courgettes in my fridge. I am concerned about the prospect of armed raiders attempting to steal my precious vegetables.
I first became aware of the horror to come when I saw soberly dressed people sobbing into their slimming charts, tears of frustration running down their cheeks as they stared in frustration at the empty crates on the supermarket shelves.
Then Facetube and other social media started carrying stories of people tearing out their hair and crying, “What am I to do now with my Spiraliser?”or “Courgettini just doesn’t taste the same with a marrow.”
What have we come to?
Everyone knows that normally reliable organs such as The Daily Mail have editorial policies about using words like ‘catastrophe’ only when a snowflake falls on The Mall or ‘famine’ when foie gras is in short supply. We can only be ‘hit’ by cold weather abroad when there isn’t enough of it and it interferes with skiing.
However, this sound, sensible approach seems to have been abandoned in our current calamity, and it does not look like ending soon. The bad weather in Spain and Italy might mean the courgette shortage stretches into the foreseeable future.
Prices are threatening to place the courgette above platinum in the international markets.
I have sound advice for British consumers here: If something becomes expensive, stop buying it. Even when it is a commodity as vital as the courgette, with a little belt tightening, we can see out this tribulation.
What is the point of people in Britain marching in protest at the inauguration of Donald Trump?
His brand of breezy, iron-clad self belief has brought him this far and it is unlikely to be dented by some protesting voices in foreign countries. Anyway, his aides will say in news conferences that only eight people turned up to to the rally and they were all Mexicans. One million signatures on a petition? They must all be illegal immigrants.
If the protesters want to say to our own politicians that Mr Trump is not liked and they should only approach him wearing rubber gloves soaked in Domestos, the answer to that is … they can’t. Being President of the USA (yes, I know he did not win a majority of the popular vote) they have to deal with him. In particular our own PM, caught on the horns of Brexit, has to curry favour where she can.
I say, go to it Theresa!